An All-Time Classic

I need to buy myself some time before thrusting my next epic post out into the world. This is where my new "second draft" policy is getting me. To stall my rabid readership, I proudly (?) present you with a glimpse at my internet rock star career before Hit Self-Destruct (or B.H.S-D., as it is referred to in the scholarship.)

It's arguably the most popular thing I ever "wrote." (My fame threshold is pretty pretty low.) It made some of my curmudgeonly Idle Thumbs colleagues laugh and Ernest Adams used it in a presentation without my permission, which is why, upon the advice of my attorney, we shut the fucker down. What have you been up to lately, Ernest? Not much, huh.

Remember Façade? The interactive conversational AI experiment? Yeah, I bet. Everyone was jazzed about it at the time, and for the weeks following its release, posting your Façade transcript was an internet fad akin to Neopets. Here is mine.

from July 7, 2Y B.H.S-D.:

(Audrey knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Audrey!!

AUDREY
TRIP I'VE BEEN SHOT!

TRIP
Hi! It's so great to see you! -- (interrupted)

AUDREY
HELP ME

TRIP
Uh...

TRIP
Well come on in...

TRIP
Uh, I'll -- I'll go get Grace...

AUDREY
THERE WAS A MAN WITH A GUN

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

AUDREY
HELP ME I'M BLEEDING

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

AUDREY
TRIP

AUDREY
HELP

AUDREY
I'M GOING TO DIE

GRACE
Audrey,

GRACE
Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long! -- (interrupted)

AUDREY
CALL 911

GRACE
Uh...

AUDREY
HELP

GRACE
So, come in, make yourself at home...

AUDREY
I'VE BEEN SHOT

AUDREY
NO

GRACE
Uh...

AUDREY
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

TRIP
What...? Audrey, I --

GRACE
Trip, that was just a well-intentioned little poke in the ribs between friends. That's all. -- (interrupted)

AUDREY
I WAS MUGGED

TRIP
Heh heh, Audrey, seeing you brings -- (interrupted)

AUDREY
I AM BLEEDING

TRIP
N -- no, uh, I've -- I've missed you.

AUDREY
HELP

TRIP
uh...

AUDREY
OH, FUCK THIS

TRIP
Ha ha! Oh I think we're going to need some drinks first if we're going to talk about sex.